I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at half-past three in the morning. I don’t remember dreaming.
I take my final on Tuesday, official grades post on Wednesday, and my pinning ceremony is on Saturday.
I graduate, and I’ll be one exam away from my license and being a registered nurse.
Things feel a little odd, of course. I’ve been working toward a goal for so long. I set out to do this years ago—and that’s how long it takes to do this, I remind myself—and now that I’m here, I’m thankful (the well of gratitude is so deep), exhausted, a little confused, and ready, so very ready.
It’s easy, at the accomplishment of a goal, to feel confused, sad. I had a lovely talk about this with one of my teachers just the other day. I think it’s the fact that I’ve come to love my colleagues over the course of our journey, and now we will be dispersing like a dandelion puff someone’s made a wish on…
Because, being me, I’ve been making new plans all along. The nearer I get to one target, the more I think about the ones beyond it. The moment I realized that I’m going to need to go to grad school in order to take my practice where I want it to go, the moment I learned that I want to teach as part of it, the moment when I felt that the bedside is what sparks much of my joy, the moment that I thrived as being part of a team, at clinicals with a colleague helping me out, and in a random conversation after class when I made a comment about having my back and a friend replied, in the dead serious way of spoken truths and dropped mics, “Always,” the moment I knew that my soul had to become magnified in order to do this work the way I need to be able to do it, the moment when I felt it grow, the moment I felt so damned lucky to get to do this—the moment that continues, continues, continues…
Because this is not a destination. This is not a goal that is an end. This is a means.
So, waking up at half-past three and writing, and thinking, living my dreams and planning, making new goals, and feeling melancholy joy at this time that unwinds into a few days when, as if with an exhaled hope, my life bursts and seeds take flight.
Thanks for sharing yourself.
As ever, my heart breaks a little when I read your writing. It’s the good kind of breaking.
Joy, exhaustion, relief and accomplishment. Proud of you and proud to be a part of your journey. Dream on! Congratulations.
Life is just that a journey. At times one has to be reminded to enjoy the journey, for it is clouded at times by the difficult road that we have taken. It is the difficult road that not everyone can travel that separates us. However, it is along this difficult path that me meet individuals that share the same desire and drive to accomplish what seems to be unaccomplishable at times. Although, we started this difficult road alone, when we arrived we found that it was a journey shared amongst new found friends. So proud of you and what you have accomplished, enjoy the journey.